Valentine’s Day – the most romantic day of the year. REALLY? You sure about that? You sure it’s not a spoon-fed atrocity that’s about as far away from genuine love and romance as Land’s End is from John o‘Groats? A pointless day of reckoning designed to hold a cruel mirror up to your flailing relationship, or to drown you in a cloying candy-coated sea of sloppy kisses and bad poetry. Whichever way you look at it, you can’t deny that, for the most part, men phone it in – we hit autopilot, we brandish empty gestures garishly wrapped, overpriced flowers and massive heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, twosomes cram into restaurants like sardines, all doughy grins and dead eyes. The whole thing’s a big, disingenuous disaster, romance-by-numbers, it’s like if a gummy bear had really bad diarrhoea, and we all pretended it was lovely.

So, with that in mind, and to save us all sleepwalking through this ridiculous annual charade, we thought we’d ask some mums what they REALLY want for Valentine’s Day this year. What would, honestly, be the most thoughtful, romantic gesture you could make. And, guess what – not one of them asked for a million blazing candles, or a gigantic teddy bear. Or flowers. Or chocolates. Or even a shag. In fact, in the spirit of absolute transparency on this, most of them don’t really want you to be there either.

“I’d love a night in a posh hotel. Alone.”

 “I’d honestly be happy with a Greggs.”

 “If you could stop blaming your revolting beer farts on the kids, that would be a nice present.”

 “Take both kids out for the day. Leave me with my book. I just want a good, solid, 12 hours alone in bed. I’m actually salivating as I write this.”

 “Cancel Sky.”

 “Do whatever you’re planning, but on a different day… literally any other day.”

 “Just utter those three little words: laser hair removal.”

 “Don’t do something thoughtful then constantly remind me about it, it takes away some of the magic.”

 “Stop droning on about yourself.”

 “Get me a cleaner. And a tummy tuck.”

 “Be more like Louis Theroux, in every way. Basically be Louis Theroux… I’m in love with Louis Theroux.”

 “Learn to wipe your bum properly.”

 “Be nice to my parents.”

 “Send me off for an afternoon massage, followed by drinks and dinner with my fellow mum friends while you stay at home to look after the kids.”

 “Stop making decisions on my behalf.”

 “Go down South, but don’t expect me to reciprocate directly afterwards FOR ONCE.”

 “Get me a housekeeper – and, if it means I don’t have to, also get a concubine.”

 “Either shave the beard or cut your hair. You look like Charles Manson.”

 “Give me some peace and quiet. Take care of the children. And don’t expect a shag.”

 “Ask me about my day. Then listen while I tell you.”

 “Compliment me on my way-too-hairy vagina.”

 “Buy some clothes that actually fit you.”

 “Do nothing. Valentine’s Day is bullshit.”

 “Let me sleep for a million years.”

 “Boob job – for both of us.”

 “Sign the divorce papers.”